noun: firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something
Started my day with a ton of anxiety. If you have anxiety, does it physically manifest in your body? How? For me, my brain feels like it’s full of static. I want to say that it feels hot, but that’s not quite right, it’s more that there’s a lot of friction from all the thoughts and non-thoughts moving around up there. I’m going on vacation for the weekend tomorrow, and there are things that I absolutely HAVE to get done today. Things that should have been done a month ago. Things that I can’t let myself put off anymore, even though I don’t feel like I have everything I need to complete them. The problem is that part of my brain is saying “fuck it” because I’ve already waited this long, so why not wait til Monday?
Don’t play me, brain.
So, I pulled out my meditation app and went outside for a few minutes when I got to work, because today just has to work. The shortest free meditation was about Trust, so walked outside to reset for 10 minutes. I needed the word “trust” to sit in my head, pushing out the static and grounding me. I still feel anxious, but every time it starts to rise up to the top of my mind instead of my work, I let “trust” to float back in and replace it. I am learning to trust myself, my instincts, my personality, so that I can let my true self flourish.
“Trust, that you’re going to shift gears from forcing a situation to happen to trusting that the highest and the best will happen, whatever that may be.”
Noun: a quality that makes something seem removed from everyday life, especially in a way that gives delight.
My word of the day is magic. I don’t usually reflect on it, but I think that my general outlook when I’m not wallowing in depression and anxiety is that my life is magic. I am practicing being more mindful every day, and that has helped me appreciate the smallest things. The things that happen every day.
The practice of making coffee for two every morning, and enjoying it on an early morning walk around the garden to see what is blooming. The way the cat looks at me and calls for belly rubs as soon as I wake up. The bees going in and out of their hives, busy making entrancing honey as soon as the sun comes up. A 60 degree morning in late July. Running four loads of laundry and folding them right away. Feeling like your life is under control when you stay on top of household chores for a month, tasks that used to pile up for months and months, the pride that comes with taking care of your family’s comfort. Taking pride in mundane tasks like putting the leftovers away promptly instead of forgetting them in the oven overnight. Looking at these accomplishments as success stories instead of what normal functioning adults should do naturally.
So many of us have the same routine every day and not enough time on our days off. I wake up before my husband, make us coffee, go to work, forget to eat lunch, stay too late, take my computer home thinking I’ll get something done, realize I’ll only be awake for 3 more hours by the time I get home so I shouldn’t ever bother, go to bed, do it again, sleep in too late on the weekend, feel depressed from too much sleep, lay around sweating from the heat, don’t accomplish anything, wake up and it’s Monday. Sometimes there’s not time for the things that make us feel like ourselves, sometimes we just don’t take the time. Taking the time to feel appreciative of the gifts, opportunities, and successes I have through my every day routine is important. My life is magic, and I’m the one waving the wand.
The first time I had a blog, I think it was a livejournal. It was so long ago I can’t remember. If there was something before that, it didn’t last long. Regardless, with my livejournal and subsequent xanga blogs, they were daily journals of my life. Places for catharsis. Can blogging still be primarily be for catharsis? Is there any point to having my journal publicly available online if it isn’t going to be read by hundreds of subscribers? Am I just wasting server space if it’s mostly for me? I prefer typing over handwriting, and I need a place to record some of my thoughts, milestones, and goals to sort out this adventure that is my daily dull life. I have barely posted here, but I didn’t hate the last few posts… I was glad they were here, and am mildly proud of their content. Should I pick it up again?