Cleansing

Cleansing

It’s 9:00pm on a Sunday, which means that soon the sun will be rising on another work week and I won’t take a minute to reflect on anything.

I haven’t been so great at stuff lately. My transition to full time came at an already very busy time in my life, and also during my very least favorite time of year. February and March have always been horrible for me. I finally get fed up with the long nights and start to shut down.

It’s time for me to wake up.

I’m going on a cleanse. I hate sticking to plans, so this cleanse will only be for a week. But during this week, I will not take any more naps and I will not drink any more alcohol. My naps have been a major issue for the past couple months – I tell myself I’ll wake up as I set the alarm for 7pm, and then continue sleeping through the night without ever accomplishing anything. Alcohol has just recently become an issue. I am in the habit of having one drink every night. That’s it. Just one. But I never stop myself from having that one. And that one drink makes me just sleepy/cozy enough to take a nap. That one drink also costs way too much money for not even getting tipsy. And the fact that all I want right now is a glass of wine feels like a problem.

NO MORE.

This weekend I finally got myself kickstarted again with a 16 mile run. I need to make sure I stay on track.

just keep breathing

just keep breathing

What makes you want to keep living, even on your hardest days?

This is the kind of question I rarely think about. The answer comes to me on my best days, the days when I’m feeling thankful for everything. I feel thankful not because everything is great all the time, but because I can remember when I was feeling hopeless, and somehow everything has turned out fine. Everything is always fine.

There isn’t just one thing. Not at this point in my life. Someday when my life is completely different from how it is today, the answer will be different. Maybe even specific. But not today.

When I go to bed, I feel better knowing I’ve closed the door on today and that tomorrow is new. It has potential. It can be better. In the morning, I’m thankful that my body woke up, that I’m still here, that I still have an opportunity to tell people how important they are to me, to laugh with friends, to make an impact at work, to make things even better than they are. The sunrise and sunset give me peace and a promise for hope.

I want to keep living because I can’t imagine leaving anyone behind. Not Steven, not my family and friends, not my coworkers who depend on me. When I’m gone – either from this city or this year of my life or the world altogether, I want to have left something good behind, something important, something worth remembering. And sure, maybe I’ve done that already, but I still want to do more. There is so much untapped potential in everyone, and I wish we could realize that and use it.

I don’t meditate. Sometimes I want to learn how. But when I think about reasons for living, forgiving, trying again and again, and not letting negativity get the best of me, one of them is simply the fact that I am able to breathe. That I don’t have to think about it and I just keep doing it. That I wake up again in the morning, alive and well, remembering what happened the days before. That’s incredible, and I don’t want to waste it.